Thinking out loud

When I was younger, I struggled with overthinking, jealousy and anxiety. I was also addicted to the idea of being ‘in love’ with someone that I felt was perfect for me.
I never did figure out how to compromise my issues And have an ideal relationship, so I ‘settled’ for a girl that was absolutely adorable, caring and very trustworthy. I loved and cared for her very much despite the fact that we had absolutely nothing in common, and productive communication was practically an impossibly.
Maybe it was for these reasons, this is why I loved and cared for her very much, but never actually felt in Love with her.

When we first met, she was 18, from a low income, disfunctional family.
I was 24, from an upper middle class, somewhat ‘stable’ family and every relationship I ever had always resulted with infidelity.
I was So tired of this and simply wanted a stable, caring relationship that I didn’t have to worry about anymore.

She and I dated for a short while, and I felt the need to be honest with her and end it for the obvious incompatibility.
A week or two later I was out late with my friends and returned home to find her car beside my house with her sleeping in the driver’s seat.
I knocked on the car window, she woke up and I proceeded to ask why she was there.

I knew she was living in a very disfunctional home with her grandparents, and without getting too far into the horrid details, I eventually learned why she needed to escape immediately. The abuse she had endured was/is unspeakable.

Being young and ignorant of any type of assistance she may have been eligible to receive, I simply couldn’t turn my back on her.
Even at that young age, I knew she would eventually and inevitably escape the brutality of her home by any means necessary, and the thought of her ending up living her life in poverty with 5 kids and an abusive husband wasn’t gonna happen. Not to her, and not if there was something I could do about it.
She was simply better than this, and I knew we could give each other a better life.

I may not have been ‘in love’ with this girl, but again I did care for her very much, so I committed to marriage after 5 years of dating while hoping true love for her would eventually find it’s way into my heart.

I realize this may not have been fair to either one of us, especially her, but essentially we made great life partners.
Together for 27 years, we worked hard, made good living, bought 2 homes and had our son that we both adore, and not once did I ever feel jealousy with her, or that she was ever unfaithful.

Through the years we had the inevitable ups and downs, disagreements and arguments, good times and bad, but on March 8th of last year, we finally seperated as mature, self sufficient adults. However we continue with a civil, parental relationship for the sake of our son and the life we spent together.

Looking forward now, I find myself carefully searching for love, compatibility, communication and trust while overthinking and worried that jealousy, the freaking demon may return with ‘true love’ and you simply can’t turn that off like flipping a light switch. It’s impossible.
But is it possible to outgrow it?

It seems to me that you can have All of the positive self esteem in the World, but if you don’t have a partner that you can totally trust without a doubt, or if you do but can’t realize it, my guess to achieve the perfect relationship would be to continue to work on yourself…with counseling/therapy?

My previous marriage has been heavily on my mind lately (overthinking) in the event that I find someone myself in the near future that I fall for and can’t live without.
I simply want us both to have the absolute best, peaceful adoring relationship possible.

Thank you for your time and any advice possible.

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