Oh boy. Today I woke up and carefully slithered out of bed in an attempt to wake anyone so that I could slip right into a peaceful meditation to start my day. The opposite happened. Upon my slithering, my two dogs noticed and came over eagerly excited to greet me with good morning kisses, shakes, licks, and any other noisy thing a dog can do at 6am. Normally I find this cute but due to my agenda of attempting to meditate and keep quite as not to wake my husband, I became irritated. I thought, “I can sneak into the closet where the dogs can’t get me and they’ll go back to quietly laying down so Cory can keep snoozing.” So I tried to sneak into the closet to go meditate in there and as I crept into the bathroom to go meditate in the closet my husband says, “you don’t have to try and be quiet.”
Oh Lord I just lost it! I said screw it and angrily swung the door open and went downstairs to go let the dogs outside. I come back up to the bedroom and a simple, “you doing okay?” from Cory opened space for me to vent (very aggressively I might add) my frustrations that all I wanted was to slip into a meditation in the quiet stillness of a fresh new morning and instead I got met with two obnoxious dogs disturbing the peace! He then tried to calmly tell me to “take a step back” – which then unleashed a new kind of fury. “Listen, I’m fully aware that I’m being crazy right now and I know exactly what I need to do to stop being frustrated. You asked if I was doing okay and I told you, but I don’t need you to tell me that I need to chill the fuck out, I know I need to chill the fuck out.” Haha. I’m laughing out loud because looking back I can only imagine what being on the other side of my wrath must feel like for the other beings existing in my household. I can laugh now because I realize what it was.
I was trying to control the moment, instead of be in the moment. I was so caught up in my agenda, my story, my control, that when things occurred that were outside of my control, I allowed myself to become irritated. I took it out on both of my dogs, and my husband. The entire household was subject to my temper tantrum first thing in the morning. What a way to start the day right? I think it took me about 10 minutes to take some time, takes some breaths, and choose again. I went down and apologized to Cory. I apologized to my dogs. And I decided to really lean into what had happened in those moments. I decided firstly, not to judge myself for what had happened. I did take a step back and I chose to recognize that how I acted is not true to myself. I chose to look for and learn from the lesson to be had from my behavior.
The lesson for me, was that when I try too hard to control the moment, I get frustrated, irritated, and even angry. In that moment I needed to accept that my beautiful, wonderful dogs who love me unconditionally, were excited that I was awake and wanted to come love on me. I am so lucky and grateful for them. Poor Cory was being warm, helpful, and friendly trying to cool my fire and he just got burned. It can’t feel good to wake up in a swirling tornado of anger that you had absolutely nothing to do with. I am grateful for how I reacted to them this morning, because it showed me that behaving that way is simply not what I choose. I choose to be more appreciative, more allowing, more respectful of the other beings in my life. I choose not to subject another human to my emotions even if I don’t have a handle on them in the moment. No one deserves to be snapped at like that, regardless of what’s going on.
This morning was a beautiful experience to go through with the awareness that I have been fortunate enough to cultivate within myself. I know that I have the power to mess up, to learn, to choose again. I don’t need to judge and beat myself up for messing up. If I don’t mess up, I won’t grow. If I torture myself over messing up, I won’t progress, I’ll stay locked in the past. What I did this morning was a fantastic reminder that behaving like that doesn’t feel good to me. It doesn’t sit right in my body, my thoughts, or my consciousness. Having that realization will serve me better in the future when I inevitably try to control the moment and it inevitably doesn’t work out in the exact way I had planned or hoped. I intend to remember this lesson as a new tool in my toolbelt to be able to look for the beauty and the positive in every moment, regardless of if it fits my “agenda”. It’s a reminder to not take myself so seriously that I treat other beings poorly when things don’t go my way. It’s a reminder to step back into the beautiful flow of the Universe and let it go, let it be, and let love in.