How to quit seeking outward validation

Hey ya’ll! Anyone have any tips for how can I stop relying so much on outward validation?

I feel like words of affirmation has always been my top love language. And I can be somewhat of a people pleaser. I enjoy making other people happy and taking care of/ nurturing them the best I know how.

Lately I have recognized that I can get so caught up in worrying about the opinions of other people that I somewhat lose myself in the process.

Why do I care so much about what other people think of me? Why do I prioritize the approval of others? (especially my loved ones)

A mentor of mine used to tell me “people’s opinion of you is none of your business”. I always liked that because I knew he was right but it is easier said than done.

I’m just really not sure how to just not care what certain people think, especially if I value their opinion and input.

Please let me know if you have any gems of wisdom to share, I would so appreciate hearing anyone’s personal experiences with this!

Much love :white_heart:

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Hello, you dont have to reply on external validation, just stop thinking about others opinions by asking your self what good or what value are they bringing to you, if some one is really want to give you some opinion then they must have to be loyal or sincere to you if they are not then just stop thinking about them.

i will love to have more discussion with you, make sure to PM me.

2nd as you love helping people and enjoy to share happiness with other i suggest you to spend more time with the real ones or with the ones who need a support etc.

would you be interested if i suggest ways to spend quality time and monetise your time and activity while providing help or services. ?

Let me know what you think.

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Dear @CollageCorner,

Your mentor should have taught you how to develop your energy first. Then he should have taught you how to protect your energy from the influence of other negative people who literally suck your energy (I call them energy parasites or vampires).
Remember, you can’t help others if you don’t help yourself first.
There are many ways and methods how you can change this, but I really can’t list every method here, it would be crazy to do that because there are many details and individual explanations why you should do something like this. If you want more information feel free to contact me.

And I’ll give you one of my favorite quotes

Much love :heart:

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I can very much relate. This has been a huge struggle for me as well. And I love that quote, it’s one of my favorites as well. Can we include it in my quotes thread on here?

One thing I have learned that has helped me is that as a human being you need external validation, so don’t feel bad about the fact that you crave it. You just need to make sure that you’re not “going to Home Depot for bread”, as I once heard someone put it, i.e. don’t seek it from those who are unlikely to give it. Find someone else who will.

I think a lot of times this issue can go back to parents that didn’t know how to properly give validation to their kids, or maybe they were hypercritical of them in some way which led to issues with self esteem. This can be true even of parents who tried their best and are good people but just didn’t know any better. And we all seek validation from our parents the most, even as adults, its just our nature.
But if they’re of the Home Depot variety you have to learn to let that go. Just go ahead and believe in yourself without them.

Going to therapy has really helped me tremendously with all of that. A good therapist is trained in doing validation the right way. I can’t afford the normal cost of therapy so I go to a grad student under supervision, and pay very little. I had to let go of my pride a little to be vulnerable with someone younger than me, but I got over it.

I hope at least some of that was helpful.

Thanks for being willing to be vulnerable and share your struggle, that’s half the battle right there!

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Hi,

I have been trying to get some of my friends and others to back away from this very tendency, especially over the last few months.

The first thing to keep in mind is that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a people pleaser. The problems arise only when you cannot deal with it all that easily.

You have to value yourself, your peace of mind, and your time in order to be able to function properly. And in this context, you need all those things also to be helpful to others, which is our starting point anyway. The other thing to concentrate on is why external validation is that important to you, and whether there something beneath the surface that may be unpacked so you can deal with it better.

I am on TalkTimers to help people recognize these aspects (not change them or ignore them) and then come up with ways to express their intrinsic behaviors in a healthy manner. It starts and ends with you, however, even if you’re a people-pleaser at heart.

Hope this helps. In case you wish to talk more, you can let me know here.

Cheers,
Duncan

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Aloha. .

I love this piece, as we all struggle with this. Especially in todays modern society of social media, telling us how we should ‘look, feel, eat, workout’ etc. .
There are many things you can start to eliminate in order to crush this feeling you are having. .

I have two book suggestions for you.
Codependent No More by: Melody Beattie
Honor The Self: by Nathaniel Branden

If you can get yourself to read these two books, you will absolutely no longer need, depend on or even want outside validation. You will realize the power you harness within, which is the ONLY validation we ever need.

I do have many other suggestions and techniques to offer as well. . Hit me up if you feel and we can talk about it. .

I hope you can start to read the books. . GAME changer.
I have been a ‘codependent’ personality my whole life, and I am still working on that. But I have healed leaps and bounds since reading these two books.

Do not let either or the titles or summaries about the books sway you, trust me, just read them. .
We can discuss the books together someday if you like.

Much Love.

Val

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Hello CollageCorner,

As I too have felt this same way I understand how hard it can be to move past such a strong hold especially when you’re such a great person at heart. Worrying about others validation can place us at a state of vulnerabilitty, self destruction as well lower our self esteem . What has helped me is finding ways to validate myself such as purchasing a brand new journal and starting a 40 day I am self recognition evaluation. I also have a list on my wall that states I have a right and it list things you have a right to. When someone has made me feel a way after seeking validation I quickly turn to my I HAVE A RIGHT and I also right down what I may be feeling so I can understand why and correct the situation. Also if you’re spiritual or believe in God listen to sermons that validate how you feel. I choose sermons how crystals are chosen I allow the title to connect with my energy and vibrations. I must say honestly it is a journey, but its worth every step and the peace of mind you will receive from it. It also allows you to wing out those people who are no good for your health and yes that includes family! I hope this helps and I hope you can soon move past the validation of others. Blessings to you Queen!

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Hi @Adeel ! Thank you for your reply and your advise! I love how simple and honest it is. I have been spending a lot more time with more supportive people and have spent much less time focused on the opinions of others. I am feeling so free lately, like I’m getting back to myself and finding what I truly want in this life. I’d love to discuss potential opportunities further, please feel free to pm me!

Thank you so much! @BecomingMindful thank you for being so understanding , youve mad me feel so seen and heard through this reply! I struggle with low self esteem, so one of my goals this year is to build confidence! I am attempting to do so by facing my fears and pushing myself beyond my comfort zone in many areas in my life. I love that you are beginning this 40 self-recognition journey! I am a spiritual person and I believe in God so I thank you again for the great suggestion to listen to sermons. Another goal of mine is to stay more focused and consistent on my wellness and faith journeys. Much love :butterfly:

Hi @Val1414 ! Thank you so much for your lovely reply! I am so happy to receive your book suggestions and advice. I am hoping that this year I can work on harnessing my uniqueness as my superpower! I would love to chat some time, please pm me if you are ever interested in sharing your experiences or talking more about these topics. Much love :white_heart:

Hi Duncan! thank you so much for your reply. I agree with you! I think that my bad habit of seeking outward validation does need some unpacking. I talk about this often with my friends, but I think it has a lot do with how I was brought up. I watched my mom often look to my dad as well as my brother and I for our opinions on her clothes and how she looked, the food she would cook and really everything under the sun. I also remember feeling so criticized by her, and never feeling quite good enough. I just remember feeling like she cared more about the appearance of things and that always bothered me. Would love to chat more, feel free to pm me!

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Hi @CaraE.King ! Thank you so much for your reply! It’s nice to hear that you are able to understand and relate to my struggles! & of course, go for it with the quote! I love your insight about our relationships with our parents. I believe that what you said about hypercritical parents is very true, at least based on my experience. I also love your reminder that craving validation is natural and human. I am so glad to hear that going to therapy is helping you. I am in weekly therapy with a therapist I adore and its been so helpful for me as well! Wishing you all the best

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I think this topic resonates with a lot of people, including myself. Sometimes I wonder why I worry what others will think if I do something outside my comfort zone. Then I realize it is actually my own insecurity. Let’s say this; you love making cupcakes, and you know you make the world’s best cupcakes. If a stranger asked you to bake them a batch of your finest cakes, you would do it and not even think, “What if they don’t like it?” You don’t think about what they think because you are so confident in what you are doing. So the real question to ask yourself is how to be more confident in your own abilities and decisions.

Sometimes we do need the approval of others to validate our own thoughts. If this is the case, talk to people whose opinions you really trust to build your own confidence up on whatever you feel you need outside approval on. :wink:

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@CollageCorner this is certainly a tough one to go through! It’s totally normal to want a level of affirmation from others, but it’s also important to know within yourself that you are the best version you can be, and strive for self growth. It’s my personal opinion that social media and societal pressures have caused lot’s of us to seek affirmation from others on a massive scale (a “like” on a post, a comment on a photo, etc.).

I have a few ways that I try and give myself affirmation without relying too heavily on others. Creating small goals and achieving them is one. This can be anything from washing my face every morning, doing laundry, reading a book from start to finish, or larger goals like getting that new job or taking that class I’ve always wanted to.

Another way to apply self affirmation is reminding yourself that others opinions are just that. Opinions. They aren’t you, and your opinions about yourself are the ones that matter the most. Do you feel you did the best you could on a personal project? Then that’s what matters. Do you think you deserve that extra scoop of ice cream? Then get that tasty treat! These are just small examples, but it’s nice to remember that you’re the number one in your own world. That’s not to say you can’t or shouldn’t care for others! But try to give yourself some of that care too :slight_smile:

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Hi @Joelle thank you so much for your response! I really enjoy your suggestions of small goals. I love to celebrate the small wins lately, including making myself yummy food and trying out new air fryer recipes lol. I have been taking time to be more present and grateful for the little things and I can see so much of a positive Lately I’ve been reminding myself at the end of the day other people don’t pay my bills & they aren’t me so why should I allow their opinions to affect me so heavily? I care much more about my own opinion of myself and I’m loving it. Much love :white_heart:

I love that you mentioned the love languages. Just yesterday I saw a Facebook post about “remember to do your own love languages for yourself” and I really loved that. I’m big on the words of love and affirmation, so of course positive self talk is important, too.
Another one I liked was “Don’t accept criticism from anyone you wouldn’t go to for advice.”

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Hello - The signs you are showing - of needing to be liked by others and worried about their opinion of you - usually stems from Unhealed Childhood Traumas (There are at least 10 of them). I help people Globally with this topic to Heal and raise their Self-esteem and confidence while eliminating Anxiety, Fear-based and Negative thinking. The great news is Childhood Trauma can be healed - but its very important to heal it as it is the source of many issues when it comes to Self-Love and overall Success in Life, Love Relationships and Business.

You can get my Free ebook on this at my website - https://RianaMilne.com and reach out if I can help you further at RianaMilne@gmail.com

In Light & Love, Riana

Hi wishing you well in these times, Love yourself, every morning look in the mirror smile and feel content with who you are.
There will always be cruel people, there will always be nice people but only by loving yourself and being kind to yourself will find that security of not caring what others think of you.
Its hard to do and there are days we all fail at this but every morning keep smiling at yourself first you will soon build self love and not care about what people think of you.
Much Love to you

we all want acceptance, that is normal for people. I definitely believe in that personally. I hope that applies to you, I know that is tough for people, and part of acceptance is realizing your worth