As I was saying, I am learning that transitions are one of my opportunities for growth.
As I moved and settled into my new place mid August 2020, my 24th birthday was soon approaching in September.
I was not doing well.
I was so stressed out from my lack of success in my new role and I felt that I had lost my sense of purpose. I realized how important connecting with people was to me. I missed it. It felt like I was grieving life itself as I knew it. I felt so isolated and lost.
With so much alone time I began overthinking constantly. I was consumed by the feeling of uncertainty and self-doubt. Additionally, a lot of my pain from my childhood and past traumas resurfaced. Without the regular hustle and bustle of my typical work day, I had so much time to sit with myself and thoughts.
I was completely overwhelmed, wasn’t eating regularly, something had to give.
I remember one September morning I woke up and couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed. Most days I could muster up the strength to at least get up and make it through the work from home day. But this day was different.
I felt emotionally drained, mentally exhausted, completely overwhelmed and honestly ready to die. I had this overwhelming longing to just die.
That’s when I decided I had to reach out for help.
I texted my mom and let her know that I was having suicidal thoughts. As difficult as it was, I let my parents know how I was feeling.
It was a very difficult decision, but I also decided to take some time off from work so that I could prioritize my mental health.
Since then, my life is no where near perfect, but things have changed for the better. My parents helped me find resources for support. I found out that my health insurance has a program providing me access to a behavioral health care coordinator (didn’t even know this was a thing). My coordinator is awesome! She is an artist as well. We talk once a week, we have great conversations and she helps me stay focused on my goals. She also helped me find a PCP who recommended/ approved my leave of absence from work from the end of September up until the beginning of December.
I also have a therapist now that I meet with virtually once a week. I had a rough start with therapy, which felt frustrating and discouraging. It took me trying out a few counselors on better help and then searching for some outside options before finding the therapist who I felt was right for me, but I am so glad that I didn’t give up. I love talking things out with my therapist. She listens, she makes me feel so seen, heard and understood. I can trust that she’s being honest with me and she makes great suggestions for realistic ways that I can try to improve and work toward my goals.
I also have a psychiatrist. She manages my medication (antidepressants).
Overall, as hard as it was, I am really glad I reached out for help. It saved my life.
But back to feeling different.
Its true, I have always felt so different. However, I am learning that there are a lot of people I can relate to and with. We are all human, we all have our own journey and struggles. I believe that sharing my story is important and valuable.
I want to help break the stigma surrounding mental health. I want people to feel more comfortable having open conversation about mental health. I want more people to feel comfortable showing up authentically. I want more people to know that it is okay to reach out for help.
If anyone ever wants to talk about anything, get creative, connect, share stories, make a collage, anything, I am here. I can be a listening ear and am willing to share my experiences.